My Friend has a Chronic Illness and I don’t know what to do!

An insightful six-point guide with helpful copy & paste text message options

1. Offer – but offer a RANGE

“Please let me know if I can do anything.”

That’s a wonderful thing to say. Good people say that.

Here’s the tricky part you might not know… it’s still hard to ask you to do stuff.

What if I say “Oh – yes – would you please bring me a meal this week?”

and you are like, “Ohhh - I was thinking I could grab your mail…”

Super uncomfortable.

So what are you willing to do?

Take a peek at their life from their shoes.

Are they working an 8 hour day and then coming home to take care of children? Managing a new job and caring for aging parents? Training a new puppy? Are they home all day with two littles, shuttling the third back and forth to school?

If you were in those shoes, what would make it easier?

Offer to pick up a kid from school or run an errand.

While you are shopping, send a text and ask what you can pick up for groceries.

YOU making the suggestion makes it a lot easier to accept that sincerely-offered help.

Copy and Paste

I hate that you are sick! Can I bring supper tonight? What else can I do to help?

Score Bonus Points!:

Put on your pjs and roll around in bed before you show up with a casserole. You’ll fit right in.

2. Make No Assumptions

No assumptions about what they can do…

Chances are your buddy has had to cancel plans on you.

It was probably because they were too _____  (in pain/fatigued/medicated/weak/blue) to get their clothes on and make it out the door.

Or perhaps they didn’t have the energy to put on an “everything’s fine” face in order to put everyone else at ease.

Be super gentle with them. They’d rather be out with you than dealing with this.

Copy and Paste

Not up for going ______ today? No prob, let’s reschedule!

Score Bonus Points!:

Don’t give up when you have to reschedule 18 times.

No assumptions based on how they were last week…

So the chronic illness thing is tricky.

A lot of them come with “flares” or “ups and downs” or “remission”.

Last week they were totally fine, this week you get a text that they feel like a crapball?

Totally normal.

Last month, they baked cookies for the bake sale and hit all the deadlines, but this week, can’t get out of bed?

Also normal.

Ran a 5k and is now training for a marathon?

Yep – that can be totally normal too.

Copy and Paste

Where you at? Still up for a visitor today?

No assumptions about who else is helping them…

It’s easy to assume that because your friend’s family lives down the street that they have all the help they need.

But… a couple things about chronic illness (because chronic means “goes on for-frickin-ever”)…

Living in a body that doesn’t function the way you want it to can feel like a burden.

And it can be a relief to see the assistance shared.

The other thing is, those people closest might not be helping.

Reasons for that range, let’s not be judgey, let’s just help them out.

Copy and Paste

Hey, anyone helping you out this week?

No assumptions based on looks…

Looks amazing, right!? Fresh-faced? Hair washed?

No assumptions.

It might take a whole whack of time and energy for them to “not look sick”. And for some people, that energy is well spent because it’s important for them to “not look sick”. Don’t be weird about that. It’s what they need.

Does your friend look like a grease ball and in convo you find out they got to marathon your favourite series while you were at work all day?

Don’t assume they want to be there. Because, chances are, they really don’t want to be in bed all day. They would probably exchange the chronic illness and knowledge of Meredith Grey for a clean bill of health. (Look at me here, doing all the assuming…)

Copy and Paste

Buddy, you are really pulling off that not-showering look. You are gonna start a trend.

3. Long distance?

So your bestie is far away and you would give your first born to be able to come scrub their tub.

If you have the cashflow, pay someone else to do it.

Place an order for supper and have it delivered.

Send a gift certificate for a cleaning service.

While a care package of fun goodies would surely brighten anyone’s pillow-smudged eyes, let’s not forget the power of paper and ink.

Have you ever received actual mail? The “from a person” kind? It really has the power to make a heart feel cared for and remembered.

Do that.

Copy and Paste

What’s your address?

4. Join them on the social media bandwagon.

You know those friendly posts that are all “Share for whatever-disease awareness”…?

Awareness = more funding for research.

More funding = a search for a cure.

A search for a cure might mean FINDING a cure.

Play along and share that post.

Share like it’s a meme of Ryan Gosling offering to feed you cereal in 2015.

Copy and Paste

Such a fancy teal ribbon, you have there…it’s my new profile pic… and going on the family holiday card… and I am dressing in teal every day for a year for solidarity.

5. Be the same friend you’ve always been.

They might not be.

They might be really different.

Dealing with this stuff changes a person. At times it’s great, at times it’s terrible.

You might need to be the strong one for a season. The one who doesn’t get offended by unanswered texts and canceled plans. The one who keeps making effort (effort that feels one-sided). The one that is the listening ear to frustrations.

Figure out your boundaries.

And understand they are grieving a million different dreams, while working a new body.

6. Gather up all those helpful sayings and put them in a gift box.

You know the sayings…

“At least you don’t have ______.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“God won’t give you more than you can handle.” Stick ‘em all in that box and light it on fire.

Copy and Paste

Sorry you are sick right now, friend. Big hugs. I’m here.

Ultimate Bonus Points:

Mean it.

Friends, What am I missing? Would else would you add?